I just finished our chat on how employers and nannies can talk to each other about the current and future impacts of the coronavirus. So many of the questions being asked really depend on the particular situation so it’s impossible to give a one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to how to have the conversation. However, there is an effective formula you can use no matter what your situation is; I’ve outlined it below.
STEP ONE Get in The Right Mind Frame
When going into any difficult conversation, your intention and genuine curiosity about the other person’s views and ideas are the biggest factor in success. The coronavirus and all the questions and concerns that surround it are emotional topics. People are afraid, anxious, frustrated, angry, defensive, and lots of emotions in between. This heightened response means they’re probably not be at their best when it comes to calm conversations, well thought out responses, or out-of-the box thinking and problem solving. Leave space for their less than ideal reactions and be ready to manage your own response emotions.
STEP TWO Acknowledge Their Perspective
A basic human need is to feel heard and understood. When you start a conversation, especially one on an emotionally charged topic, by acknowledging the other person’s feelings, perspectives, and experiences, you open a space for them to really listen to what you’re saying. They don’t have to justify or defend their position because you’ve honored their position by genuinely listening. This doesn’t mean you see things the same way they see things or agree with their actions or will do what they’re asking you to do. It just means you acknowledge what they’ve experienced and what they feel without judging them or trying to fix it.
EXAMPLE ONE
The family has just insisted on their nanny moving in with them because they don’t want her bringing the virus in from the bus she takes to work.
Nanny: “I know you’re really concerned about me commuting back and forth on public transportation, especially with the rise in cases in this area. “
EXAMPLE TWO
The nanny has said she’s going out less but she’s still seeing a few friends at area restaurants and is still attending Sunday dinner with her extended family; a long standing tradition.
Employer: “I understand seeing close friends and family is very important to you and your Sunday dinners sound like they’re a never break tradition for your family.”
STEP THREE Share Your Concerns Using I Statements
Once you’ve acknowledged the other person, share your perspective and feelings. (The word however is a great way to bridge sentences.) Remember to stay in the “I”. This is about what YOU think and feel. It’s not about judging or disputing the other person’s feelings or choices. That will only lead to a debate you’ll never win. Focus on helping the other person to understand your perspective. A mutual understanding is the foundation for coming up with solutions that will work for both of you.
EXAMPLE ONE
The family has just insisted on their nanny move in with them because they don’t want her bringing the virus in from the bus she takes to work. Nanny acknowledges then says:
Nanny: “I want you to know that I’m taking every precaution to stay safe. I’m wearing gloves on the bus, I’m sitting away from other riders, and I’d like to leave extra clothes here that I can change into when I arrive.”
EXAMPLE TWO
The nanny has said she’s going out less but she’s still seeing a few friends at area restaurants and is still attending Sunday dinner with her extended family, a long standing tradition. The employer acknowledges then says:
Employer: “However, I’m concerned about your contact with others because no matter how careful you are – and I know you’re being extra careful – any exposure to others increases the chances of exposure to my dad. His age and ongoing health issues put him in the group that has been hit the hardest by the virus, causing serious symptoms and even death.”
STEP FOUR Ask for What You Need
This is a really hard step for a lot of people. We’re not used to asking for what we need or want. We hope people will somehow read our minds or guess what we need without us having to actually say it out loud. Sadly, it doesn’t work that way. Instead ask for what you need clearly and concisely using I statements. Phrasing and tone are important here. Anxiety or uncertainty can make your ask come across as a demand or just a fleeting idea you’re not really committed to. To send the right message, keep your ask short and simple and your tone friendly yet confident. (I know, it’s hard to self-monitor your tone. Awareness will go a long way to keeping you on track.) Your ask is just that; an ask or an offer, not a decision. It’s an opening to a dialogue so make sure you end with a question that invites the other person to share their agreement or thoughts.
EXAMPLE ONE
The family has just insisted on their nanny move in with them because they don’t want her bringing the virus in from the bus she takes to work. Nanny acknowledges, shares her perspective, then asks:
Nanny: “I’d be happy to look at other ways of getting to work, however I’m not able to afford a daily Uber or to rent a car. I can look at other ways to commute if you’re able to cover any additional costs that would come with the change. Is that something you want me to check into?”
EXAMPLE TWO
The nanny has said she’s going out less but she’s still seeing a few friends at area restaurants and is still attending Sunday dinner with her extended family, a long standing tradition. The employer acknowledges, shares her perspective, then asks:
Employer: “Because of that, until the spread of the virus is under control and testing is widely available, we’re asking you to isolate yourself except for coming to and from work. We recognize this is a big sacrifice for you and we don’t ask lightly. Is that something you’re willing to do?”
If your ask truly is a demand, something you’re not willing to budge on, it’s still very helpful to end by asking if you can help your employer or nanny make it work on their end. For example, a nanny that decides to self-quarantine might ask her employer if she can help with ideas for art activities to keep the kids busy; a family that decides to have their nanny stay home might ask if the nanny has anyone close to help her if she gets sick.
STEP FIVE Brainstorm a Solution That Works for Both Sides
Now that both sides have had the opportunity to share their opening feelings and perspectives and you’ve had the chance to share your needs, the back and forth conversation can take off. This is the time to keep listening, acknowledging, asking, and checking in. By staying in problem solving mode, chances are you’ll get to a solution that works for both sides.
FULL OPENING OF CONVERSATION
So you can see how the steps flow, I’ve put the sample scripting together below.
EXAMPLE ONE
The family has just insisted on their nanny move in with them because they don’t want her bringing the virus in from the bus she takes to work.
Nanny: “I know you’re really concerned about me commuting back and forth on public transportation, especially with the rise in cases in this area.
I want you to know that I’m taking every precaution to stay safe. I’m wearing gloves on the bus, I’m sitting away from other riders, and I’d like to leave extra clothes here that I can change into when I arrive.
I’d be happy to look at other ways of getting to work, however I’m not able to afford a daily Uber or to rent a car. I can look at other ways to commute if you’re able to cover any additional costs that would come with the change. Is that something you want me to check into?”
EXAMPLE TWO
The nanny has said she’s going out less but she’s still seeing a few friends at area restaurants and is still attending Sunday dinner with her extended family, a long standing tradition.
Employer: “I understand seeing close friends and family is very important to you and your Sunday dinners sound like they’re a never break tradition for your family.
However, I’m concerned about your contact with others because no matter how careful you are – and I know you’re being extra careful – any exposure to others increases the chances of exposure to my dad. His age and ongoing health issues put him in the group that has been hit the hardest by the virus, causing serious symptoms and even death.
Because of that, until the spread of the virus is under control and testing is widely available, we’re asking you to isolate yourself except for coming to and from work. We recognize this is a big sacrifice for you and we don’t ask lightly. Is that something you’re willing to do?”
In her 30 years in the nanny industry, she’s earned a reputation for providing a unique blend of common-sense strategies, intuitive guidance, and real world tools to her parent and nanny clients.She’s also a certified mediator, conflict coach, communications trainer, and positive discipline parent educator.
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